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 Ok, so like I am so jealous! My best frien d has never liked clothes shopping but now when I talk to her it seems like all she is doing is clothes shopping!!! What a brat!!! She just called me and she is at Chevy's in SF for happy hour with her roommate!! I've never known her to drink hardly ever and now she went to a brew pib last week and she is at happy hour this week!! It is like she is having the time of her life! Without me!! I know like I moved away to be with my family after Danny died, like I could afford to live in SF anyway!, but it still hurts to know how much fun she is having with someone else besides me. Like I wanted to go out and do things together before I had my car accident and most of the time she wasn't interested because she was busy with her online friends with that first became popular. Now she is doing all the things she never wanted to do before but she is doing them with someone besides me!! It totaly sucks big wiener! She like has to get a job by the end of May or she has to go back home to Salinas to find something. But to me she doesn't seem that concerned with getting a job. Like every time I talk to her she is like "yeah I know but they want this and that and this and I just haven't done it yet." I don't know. I guess I am not in the greatest of moods right now so I better stop writing and come back and post another entery later. Bye you all. 

Updates

Okay, so not much to update here.

My ear was getting better for a little while but now it is starting to act up again. I don't know what the deal is. I really don't want to go back to the doctor because he didn't do a very good job to start with. He spent about 2 minutes with me before giving me some antibiotics and sending me on my way. I just hope that if I do have to go back to that urgent clinic that I get to see a different doctor. Other than that is has been pretty quiet. I apparently slept through yesterday because I thought today was Thursday and it is actually Friday. Sometimes that happens. I have been known to have entire conversations in my sleep at least that is what other people tell me! Things have settled down here. I have not had to do as many errands so my sister and I have been staying home a lot more. We have been recording shows that come on later in the evening on th Tivo and then watch them during the day while James is at work because there is like NOTHING on TV during the day! It is horrible! We have also been putting together our scrapbooks. It was something I was working on once in a while when Daniel was alive and he would always ask me why I wasn't working on it more because he wanted to see the results. It is too bad that I was so lazy that I did not get them done before he died. I know that he would have liked them. But I cannot change the past, I can only deal with what is now.

Sick

Well today we are just hanging out at my sister's house. We were suppose to got out to the post office today, but my sister came into my bedroom this morning and sounded horrible! She has my cold that I had last week and everything is congested in her chest so she sounds like she is coughing up a wet hairball!

I am still a little sick myself. I still can't hear properly out of my left ear. Plus, all the stuff that is draining out of my ear canal in response to the antibiotics is going straight into my throat and making my throat sore now. And every time I cough it makes it worse. So I don't know what I am going to do about this who trading sickness back and forth!

Things are going a little better with all my financial stuff; figuring out what is what and what needs to be paid and filing all the paperwork from the last year and a half! Ha! No wonder I was is such bad shape - I had my head stuck in the sand like and ostririch!

Plus, it is raining here today, so the weather is pretty nasty (raining, windy and cold, etc.) outside!

Anyway I am still hanging when it comes to what is going on with my father-in-law. I have had no communications with him personally, and my lawyer has not heard anything from him either. It just seems like he is too quite and that makes me nervous. Plus I had a phone call on my phone that said "Private" so I couldn't call them back to see who they were, because when my sister answered they hung up. So who knows what is going on.

I am just happy to be around family who can give me emotional support if necessary. It makes me feel better. Well time to go back to sleep!

Just Hanging

Okay

So it is a nice day outside here. The sun is out but it is not too warm, about 45 degrees.

So my sister and I are upstairs at her house trying to get through all the complicated paperwork to send in a request for a short sell on the house. Not like the buyer is still going to be around by the time I get all this paperwork to the back because they want to know everything except when I had my last period!!!! It is insane. But luckly my sister and her husband are here to help me out. He works at a bank her in Vancouver so he knows most of the rules that apply to situations like mine.

Well today is the first day that I have been truly awake for the full day Since last Thursday. I have been really sick and the doctor put me on some strong antibiotics and they make me really sleepy this is addition to all the medicine I take already. I think I am getting a little better, I seem to have more energy but I still can't hear out of my left ear hardly at all and the left side of my face (the jaw and neck) still hurt like I have an ear infection or something. I am hoping it will clear up by the time that I finish my antibiotics it will feel better. If not then I will have to go back to the doctor. That is a pain because I don't have any health insurance right now so each time I go to the doctor (thank god it has only been once so far) it costs me $150.00!! I don't have enough money to keep paying those kind of fees for long!

Yesterday my sister and I were out running errands and she asked me how I was feeling now about our relationship if I still felt like I was walking on eggshells around her and James. I told her that I was feeling better about things and feeling like I made the right move by coming here. I think in the end this will work out better for me than staying in my house out in Dos Palos because not only would I not have been able to afford it but I think it would have been real easy to slip into a major depression out there all by myself.

Gotta go. My sister wants me to look up the blue book of the truck for the bank paperwork.

Take care all.

Happy Easter

Hello everyone. It is Easter and I just got back from church. I went with my sister and James because it was Easter Sunday and they thought it would be nice if I went to church with them.

Well, I just found out from my mom that my cat that I left at my mom's house the first time I moved out  (she wanted to keep him because she was attached to him) - his name was Felix - died on St. Patrick's Day, he had cancer. The last time I saw him he looked like he had a football sideways in his stomach, his stomach was so swollen with the cancer. Then my mom said they were giving him some medicine for his cancer and that he was doing better. But they went out for errands on St. Patrick's day and when they got back they found him dead on one of the chairs in the living room. They cremated him and put him in an urn like the other cat's they have died. It just seems like everything is dying lately.

So, other than sleeping a lot and trying to get all the paperwork done associated with Dan's death I haven't really been doing much of anything. I have been thinking a lot about Dan recently and it just makes me really sad. I have been down for the last two weeks or so.  I just miss him lots. I am trying to figure out if I can get back to California in July to visit Danny's grave. We were married on July 28 and I kinda want to go visit his grave on our anniversary. But I might not be able to, it just depends on what is happening here.

And of course, I don't know what is going on with my former father-in-law and his accusations of fraud and elder abuse. I sent him some money that I figured out that I owed him after going through the bank statements. He still hasn't cashed the check and it has been over a month now, so I don't know what is going on. And not knowing just adds more stress. I have already been in the hospital once last year for a week for bleeding ulcers and if things keep going the way there are  I am going to end up in the hospital  again!!!

Well on another note my sister and  I went to see a move a couple of weeks ago called "The Bank Job" which was based on a true story for the 70's in London. It was and excellent movie! It was a nice distraction from reality for a couple of hours. Thank god for times like that or I think i would be in a looney bin already!

Ok well time to go. Time to go eat some ham for Easter.

Nighttime Writing

Okay-

So as I said before, I was feeling very lonely and said the other night when I could not sleep. So I wrote an entry in my journal downstairs in my bedroom because I do not keep my laptop downstairs. So I am writing the entry in this journal now. This was actually written at
11:38 pm on Sunday 3 - 3 08.

So I am laying here in my sister's guest room and for the first time I find myself lost in a sea of uncertainty. I am not sure about the move because of small remarks that my sister makes.

Today (3 - 3 - 08) she was frustrated because they (her and her husband) brought me a Carl's Jr sandwich after they went to the gym. They got home at about 10:30 a.m. So, I got up took my morning medicine and ate my breakfast.

Then I came back to my room (actually the guest room) and  laid back down to let my medicine work. My sisterwas unhappy about that because she knew I would fall back asleep which of course I did.

Well she tried to wake me several times but by 3 o'clock in the afternoon she was so frustrated she just gave up and went upstairs to her family room to watch tv for the rest of the afternoon.

I finally got up about 1/2 hour after that and put a load of laundry  in and went upstairs. When I got there I could tell that my sister was unhappy about the way I spent my day.

So, I was hoping this move was going to be good for us and bring us closer together which is what I want very badly, but now I don't know. We seems to be walking on eggshells around each other, and one having to constantly assure the other that things said were not meant as insults - simply every day conversation. I just want our relationship to get to a point such constant reassurance are not necessary.

On top of that I feel like her and her husband James think Danny and I were stupid because we did not have the proper insurances on the house and the truck and even a life insurance policy on him or me for that matter. If we had had those insurance policies then all the financial turmoil that I am in now would not have happened and I would not have had to sell my house - or rather our house - in such a horrible market.

But all that takes a backseat to how much I miss Danny.  I miss his voice, his laugh and our late night discussions once we were in bed about what we were going to do with our future together. What kind of house we were going to buy next and where. He wanted to get a house big enough that we could have a least one room that was totally a guest room, one room that was just an office and one room where we were going to put a pool (billiards) table (which was Danny's favorite thing to do - he even had two custom made pool cues) . We were going to put the pool table in with some old fashioned video games (like they were when the first came out in the arcades)  like pac-man  and donkey kong  and centtipide. He thought these things would make me happy and he just wanted me to be happy. He always said he wished he could give me more and better things.  

I miss how when I would dress nice he would tell me so. And if I was having a hot flash from the medicine that I take for my back injury, I would say, "I'm hot again" and he would always tell me that I was always a "Hot Mama" anyway!

God he was so encouraging after me horrible car accident. He even wrote me postcards from the road at almost every stop he made when he was driving cross-country encouraging me with my physical therapy and saying how proud he was of me because I was improving so much! I don't think I would be in the kind of shape that I am today if it wasn't for him!!! His constant encouragement and nagging and even fighting with me to do my therapy.

Now all that is left of Dan and I's life together is me, Bruiser the cat, and the truck that we bought last year. And many, many memories of course. 14 years together and this is all I have left!!!

God I miss him so very, very very much!!!!!!

So, this is what I wrote on March 3, 2008.





Alone

Okay, so I wrote something down in a write journal the other night at about 2 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and was feeling pretty low, missing Daniel so much! I was going to write it in a post today but the journal is upstairs (I am downstairs) and my sister and her husband went out with friends and I don't feel like going to get it. I don't have my braces on so I couldn't go upstairs anyway and you guessed it - I don't feel like putting them on! So no big deal. I will post it tomorrow when my sister can either bring the book down for me or she can take my lap top upstairs during the day and then help me up the stairs.
So right now I don't really having anything else to say except The Other Boleyn Girl movie sucked. It did not doing any justice to the book. Plus it was just too jumpy trying to cover too much in too short a time.
So,
Night All

Just Chillin'

Okay, so it is Saturday the 1st of March. Danny has been gone for 3 months and I have been up at my sister's for one month. Time sure does seems to fly by.

So, my sister is helping me get all my bills and paperwork straightened out. Things are going to be tough for awhile - like the next couple of years - until I get myself out of debt enough to live comfortably here in Washington. I like it here and I think that it will be good for me to stay here around my sister and her husband and hopefully my nieces and nephew someday. Plus the area is much nicer with a lot more to do than where I was living in California.

My sister and her husband says I can stay a long as I want to but I prefer to get a place of my own as soon as possible so that I can stand on my own two feet again. It will make me feel like a good person again being able to support myself.

So anyway we went to dinner and the movies last night. We had dinner at a place up here called Red Robin that makes yummy burgers and they come with endless garlic fries! But, I had a salad last night because I didn't really want anything too heavy. Then after that we went and hung out at Target for a little while and then went and had ice cream at the Coldstone Factory. Yummy!

Okay, so we went and saw The Other Boyelyn Girl with Natalie Portman and Scartlett Johansen. It was okay but it was not the best movie that I have ever seen. I read the book so I had high expectation for the movie. It did not even meet my basic expectations, I mean they left so much out of the book, that the movie did not really make sense. They took things out of order and had the movie jumping around a lot so it seemed really disjointed. Then movie could have been done a lot better in my opinion.

Right now we are watching Eastern Promises with Vito Mortitson (from Lord of the Rings)  and Naomi Watts. So far  it has been a lot of talking and not much action. But it is a very interesting and twisting storyline. Having to do with the Russian Mob in London. Like I said, interesting.

Well not too much more going on here right now. We are going to finish watching the movie and then we are going to go get a burger a Burger King and go to Home Depot to check what kind of outdoor furniture they will have for the summer.

So, bye-bye for now!

Playing Games

Okay, so here we are sitting in my sister's family room. She is playing a game on the computer called Luxor 3 and my brother-in-law is playing the PS3 Pirates of the Caribbean game that was made after the last movie came out.

My sister bought it for him once we decided that we would go ahead and hook up the play station at my sister's house so that we all could get a little enjoyment out of it since it was barely a month old when Daniel passed away (I had bought it for him as a birthday gift at the begging of November as his birthday was the 5th - he turned 49 in 07).

It is very sad he was born in November and died in November. Very, very sad for me. I wish he was still here laying on the couch in our house asking me to get him a soda or make him a snack. How much easier things would be!

So anyway my sister and I spent the day doing errands. We went to Walmart to pickup some medicine that I needed.

Then we went to the bank to put some money in to my checking account and get some cashiers checks. Then we went to the post office and mailed the checks to the attorney in Merced, Calif which I have retained to deal with some family issues that have come up as a result of my husbands death. I am hoping to have them worked out soon so that I can begin my own grieving and healing process. With all that has been going on I have not had anytime to morn for my husband myself!!!!!

Okay, so after the post office my sister took my to lunch at a place that is only here in the Northwest called Burgerville. The food is very good. It is sorta like In-and-Out Burger in Cali. Yummy!!

After that we took the dog, who's name is Hollie but I call her Miss Hollie, to the vet to get a shot in the butt because she was due for her current shots.

Then we went to Fred Myers, which is like and upscale Super Walmart and got some groceries, kitty treats and a couple of gifts, one for my nephew and one for Daniel friend Troy's daughter. I am going to get everything together for everybody and send it sometime next week. Because tomorrow and Friday my sister and I have more filling to do and phone calls to make to get my financials in order so that I can make some sense out of my records.

So, I guess that is it for now. Not very exciting but it helps me to write in this journal everyday even if it is totally boring. It keeps me on an even keel and allows me to get from one day to the next. So take care y'all!!

NIght Time Entery

Ok - so this is my posting for the night time of Feb 12, 08. Well we finally got the comcast guy out of here. Took him like forever!!

Anyway, things are going ok here. Still fighting with my former father-in-law about money. He wants some and I don't have any! Plus the house is going to have to undergo a short sell - that is IF it sells at all - because apparently it is not worth the amount of the mortgage that I owe on it because the real estate market it Cali has turn so very, very crappy!! I guess I could stay in the house but given that my husband died in the house I really don't want to for my own sanity!

So, this area is really nice. It is sooooooo green compared to Cali! Cali is mostly brown! Plus people here seem more laid back than in Cali where everyone is always in a hurry - or at least it seems that way!

Well one other major change I have made? I cut my hair!! Not a big deal to most people who get their cut on regular basis but I haven't had my hair cut in over 5 years!!!! So now my hair barely touches my shoulders and my head feels so light! (No air head jokes allowed!) But that is about the only thing exciting that has happened! Well except for my sister Mardi Gras party the Tuesday after I got here. Which was totally fun! They had the upstairs set up like a casino but with fake chips for bets! It was totally fun!  I spent the whole time sitting on the couch talking to some of my sisters neighbors. Which was very interesting!

So I guess it is time to go to sleep! Good night all!